Strange New Old Feeling

Dear Fifi,

I was just about to turn off the laptop and lie in bed and blink at the ceiling. I know I’m not turning the air-conditioning on that’s why I’ve already opened the windows. Don’t know about lighting the aroma candle or not. It smells lovely.

But I decided to write down about this strange old feeling that I’ve been facing for a few days now. It’s called procrastination. Where you have many things to do but you don’t want to do it. I don’t know why. Is it because I have a trip coming up soon so my head is there already? This work is important to me yet why am I not getting anything done? It’s strange, isn’t it? I’m not a procrastinator, I know. I get my work done when it’s supposed to and I get them done with pride.

SIGH. I don’t know. It’s like I’m stuck with lack of information. And it’s not that I lack information, somehow fear also accompanies it, not being good enough, etc. It happens to me too. As confident and “strong” people say that I am, I am only human with these thoughts. But that’s okay. I know that I’m not going to stay with this feeling forever. I don’t have to do anything, I think.

All these while I get nothing done because I’m trying to get something done. Wow what paradox is this? That when you fill your thinking with too much things, nothing new comes in. Oh well.

I hope to go to sleep and new ideas will come in.

Good night.

Love,

Fifi

Workin’

Hello!

There are so many things I want to write about on this blog but since I’m not making it a priority, it’s not getting done. Currently I have so many things to do. That’s why I tell people: if you’re free now, soak up all the free time. Someday you’re not going to be free and you’re going to wish you had some free time. Just let life flow. If you’re not doing anything, don’t be worried. If you have too much stuff going for you, slow down. The concept of time is something we made up; some people could get a tedious task done in 30 minutes, sitting with someone you dislike for 5 minutes feels like 30 hours, admiring a crush from afar for 30 minutes felt like 30 seconds. We made time up.

I might be writing a new book too. I MIGHT. Bookstores want it thicker. My publisher wants it thicker. But like I said, I don’t like to read books that go round and round and round. I was also told A Nobody’s Observations is going to be in its third printing so alhamdullilah. I haven’t seen my book in person at a bookstore by the way, since it’s only available in KL. Last week while I was in KL I visited a bookstore to see my book. I was told they’re out of stocks everywhere. I can’t believe it! I even asked my publishers to confirm and they said yes. Weird right?

This became longer than what I intended it to be. All the best in everything you do.

Love,
Fifi

Chemical Imbalance and The Mind-Bicycle Balance

I look at my siblings and feel the urge to pinch them. Use my index finger and thumb to grab hold of their flesh, and then twist it 360 degrees. I imagine the satisfaction. That’s what you get for being so annoying! And a gritting feeling formed around my jaws, my gums, and my teeth. I need to bite. I want to bite to release this uneasiness in my oral cavity. My adult brother sat next to me. I announced, “I WANT TO BITE YOU” and I sunk my teeth into his arm. Yuck, you smell, I said and I pushed him away from me. He laughed. No satisfaction I got from biting him either, since he does a lot of arm exercises and has more muscle than flesh.

My teenage sister I look at her and stories began forming in my head. She’s so irritating! If only her boyfriend knew she was like this he wouldn’t even want to be with her. The stories went on some more. What if the guy appeared smart and handsome on the outside but after marriage it turned out he didn’t have the habit of flushing after toilet use? Yuck! I don’t ever want to get married.

When Fifi Said Yes

Fifi walked down the stretch of benches which felt like a mile long. She’s in Indonesia, not really sure how long a mile was but it felt forever. Her hands she held out to greet the “seniors”, some of which greeted her with a warm welcome, most lukewarm, and there were a couple who shook her hand with obvious dismay in their eyes.

She didn’t want to think about it. Before she got there she heard many tales about vicious seniors spitting venom to cripple you but let you live enough to tell the tale. It was Scouts Day – everyone dressed in brown and she made it a point to dress in white. Why would she want to dress like everyone else? Fifi scanned the row of males to look for any comforting familiar faces. Males were always nicer to her than females were, and she had become acquainted with four of them months before her arrival.

A seated tall, smart-looking stranger caught her eye as hers caught his. He gave her a broad pleasant smile and she sat at the only empty seat in front of him. She heard him nudge the man next to her and then she knew, he was under this witch’s spell.

Moses VS Pharoah

Came across a Facebook post I thought was interesting. Well, interesting enough for me to want to write this post. It goes like this:

A preacher asked his audience:

“If you were in Moses and Pharoah’s time, whose follower would you be?”

“Moses, no doubt!” his audience responded.

“Are you sure?”

They were very sure, they echoed.

Washing My Toilet

I was invited to go to Indonesia for a month. At first I was hesitant, despite it being an all-expenses paid trip. I didn’t really want to be apart from my new bed and I┬ádidn’t want to be away from my cats!

“What does it take for you to come here? The principal requested you to come.”

Now, this is going to sound like I’m a super spoilt person, but….maybe I am.

“Pillows. Comfort,” I replied.

What About Other People

In a discussion with a client, I felt the atmosphere change. She wanted our prices down while that was the best price we could give. I was the one sourcing information and costs, therefore I know that the price they wanted to pay was not necessarily the price of what they want to get.

I wasn’t stressed or anything, just a bit irked. Can’t she see that she was being unreasonable? I wanted to even tell her that she should try to go to other places to see if she could get the same price. Of course I didn’t, but I wanted to. I just kept shaking my head, a “No”, and she kept on trying and trying to get me to agree with her price (30% off my already slashed prices).

Then her boss came into the meeting and she brought it up to the boss. I shook my head again at the boss. He agreed with me that my price was already okay and the lady did not bring up the matter of lowering costs again. All done. I knew I didn’t need to worry about prices anymore.

What happened next was when I met a colleague, I started to rant about this lady. I told her about how people are just being unreasonable blah blah blah. That colleague told me “This is why I don’t want to work with them.” And I sighed and agreed, as if the situation wasn’t favourable to me at all.

Back at home I started feel terrible about myself. Did I need to rant about that lady? You see, in the end, because I was “right”, “justice” had “prevailed” because the boss agreed with me. Which means I really didn’t have any more problems. But WHY was I still carrying the thought about our little subtle argument all the way to my friend? Now, this wouldn’t be about that lady anymore. It is about me.

What I should have done was instead to focus on a solution. In my situation, there was none because things already went “my way”. So, why the need to still talk about the initial problem?

I think what happened was I just needed to feed my ego that wants to be acknowledged to be right. I wanted to feel that that woman was wrong and I was right so I needed validation to tell everyone about that. Which is not at all necessary.

And today it’s two weeks since I wrote the words above. I don’t remember anything anymore. I forgot to post it actually. We’re doing okay. Thanks for asking. (Published: 2 Sept 2017. Written: 18 Aug 2017)