Would I Be Happy?

Ten years ago when I had a crush on the most handsome guy I knew I blogged about him, in the security of knowing that he doesn’t read my posts. Who knew it’s only ten years later that I’d like another real person, and be blogging about him too, knowing he doesn’t care about me enough to read my posts? Ha ha ha.

I’m a writer. I think of everything in exaggerations and poetic sense.

Let’s call the current crush W and the previous crush F.

A few days ago I presented myself with the question: Would I be happy if W ended up with someone else?

My immediate answer was a No. I couldn’t even imagine it. I don’t think I would appreciate seeing his pictures with another girl. It’s like that some kind of a strange heart-wrenching feeling I felt when I saw Syed Saddiq posting about his girlfriend. It’s strange because I find him cute, but not to any kind of attraction. I didn’t even feel that way when David posted about his girlfriend. So strange. Whatchuupto, subconscious? Take note: I consider SS and D both to be “non-real” persons.

Then I thought of F. F had a new girlfriend weeks after telling me he was focusing on his studies. I was shocked, but then I laughed it off. I bumped into them several times (we lived in the same neighbourhood) and surprisingly I could laugh about it. F then broke up with her. And over the years would find him with other girls on social media. Was I ever jealous? Never.

But for W, could I do that? I let myself sleep off the fact that W might too have someone else already. I mean, imagine how difficult it is for me. Ever so particular about who you allow yourself to like, and when you finally find someone who checks all the list you have, he already has someone else!  Ten years of not being swooned by silly actions. Ten years of being on guard. Ten years of waving people off. Be prepared to hurt, I told myself.

And I woke up somehow feeling confident about myself. I remembered my very essence. What I had taught myself. The love I feel for me. How many people have tried to change me, but I had never been shaken. How I cannot be defined by someone else. My “Oh Well!” mindset instead of “Oh No”. If it were to happen that W has someone else, I will just go: Oh Well!

I received emails and questions from girls about guys that they like. They all wished they could just get it over and done with. That guys stop giving them mixed signals. They wished they were daring enough to say what they want to say. But then we all could conclude about one thing: if he’s meant to be, he will be. Jodoh tak ke mana.

So girls, or me, don’t get caught up thinking about the possible future when you don’t even know if you have tomorrow, okay? Living too much into the future causes anxiety. Looking too much into the past causes doubts. Be present and you will find peace.

Choose peace in every circumstance you face. Life is about choices anyway. And I choose to live up to my name.

Would I be happy?

My happiness has never been depended on W.

My happiness has always been just is,

and I am.


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