Lately I’ve been feeling a bit disco…nnected.
My mother pointed it out when we were out shopping. “Why are you frowning so much?” I looked at my reflection in the mirror. She’s right. I was frowning. I did wear the “don’t disturb me” face. These forehead bumps that resurfaced last week aren’t helping either. My face feels so dirty.
“These shoes hurt,” I said.
And it’s true. It’s tiring walking with uncomfortable shoes. But that shouldn’t be my reason for frowns. I realised I hadn’t been talking to strangers either. I used to, every now and then, talk to strangers, feel inspired by their stories and proceeded to be able to write something about what I learnt. This is like a writer’s dry spell and I’m waiting for water to come and quench me instead of getting up to look for water myself.
The right word to describe me right now is probably NUMB. And I didn’t realise I was numb until I looked back and said: this is not who I am. I am full of life, smiles, good feelings, and I always want to share it with people. But these days I actually want to hit people with an encyclopedia or send them off to the sea for testing my patience with stupid questions. And it’s not their fault I’m like this. It’s me. It’s my own self that lacks the patience.
And lately I’ve been making plans for the future too. I’ve heard a saying: living in the future causes anxiety. Living in the past causes depression. Live in the present. Right now I’m not anxious about anything, but the thought itself, the fact that I can’t wait for today to be over because I look forward to tomorrow is what’s making me this way, I think. I used to live my life day by day, one step at a time, doing my best for today because I told myself I don’t know if there’s a tomorrow. Now with a hope of something to do in the future, I stopped living today. I think that’s why I’m frowning.
I even broke my promise to myself and bought a 2017 planner. Shake my head. I mean – it’s good that I have a planner, but my happiest, most satisfying times were when I didn’t have a planner and didn’t keep looking at the empty grids, wanting to fill it up. I just discoed with the flow.
I believe I’m also this way because I haven’t been writing fulfilling things lately. Let’s try to write at least once a day in March, Fifi.
So what’s my plan for NOW? For today, for this very moment?
I’m going to listen to this specific video and disco with the flow…in a nap.