One of the things I noticed about me lately is that I seem to be attracting ustazs. Attract as in will-you-be-my-wife kind of attraction. It’s not exactly a bad thing, but it makes me wonder as in why me. My clothes aren’t exactly modest and I’m not the kind of girl who quotes the Quran or posts about how every soul has a pair et cetera. I said no to all of them.
Recently while I was in Jakarta an ustaz had taken a particular liking for me too. The first thing he told me was would I respond to being called “Habibi” (which is my love in Arabic, and I said that’s not my name), and moved on to saying I have eyes like Siti Nurhaliza, and later at night serenaded me with guitar and all to the song Just The Way You Are. If you know me in real life I’m not someone who blushes or gets shy. I just told him “I know,” when he dramatically pointed at my direction when he sang “You are amazing just the way you are.”
My friends were making fun of the situation and I saw it for myself how he would approach me to say something and then walk away without saying a thing. I shook my head and found faults with him: what a coward, can’t make up his mind, still has a picture of a girl from 2013 in his Instagram, smokes, shakes women hand, etc. It helps me in my evaluation, you know? My mind says no.
I thought it was all over when I found out that I had to meet him again for an event. A friend of nine years I was with I begged to help white lie about how I already have someone or something like that.
“We’ll see, okay?” she said.
“Noooooooo nooo noooooooooo why do you do this to me!”
“What if he’s the one for you! We’ll have to see first!”
The guy came and my friend immediately whispered, “He’s not the one.”
My quick response was “See I told you!” but I took some time after that analysing what I said. That it wasn’t very nice of me to judge a person based on appearances that way. After that I walked around on my own to clear my mind, guilty, watching my reflection pass me at every corner of that high-end mall. I wonder what my reflection thought of me if she knew about my thoughts?
I nodded at her and she nodded back simultaneously. I think, like telepathy, we both agreed on one thing: everybody deserves love.
And in that moment the flaws I saw in that dude were lifted. When I realised that everybody’s just looking for love (while being confused about it at the same time), the filters, the veils, that blocked me from seeing were off.
So what I’ve been doing is responding to the people I have purposely ignored. I let them know, though, that I don’t have time to sit down and chat all the time (which is true), but for tonight I let them be heard, whatever they want to say, I let them say it.
The ustaz, however, has stopped trying to text me after being ignored repeatedly.
Everyone deserves love, Fifi.