I look at my siblings and feel the urge to pinch them. Use my index finger and thumb to grab hold of their flesh, and then twist it 360 degrees. I imagine the satisfaction. That’s what you get for being so annoying! And a gritting feeling formed around my jaws, my gums, and my teeth. I need to bite. I want to bite to release this uneasiness in my oral cavity. My adult brother sat next to me. I announced, “I WANT TO BITE YOU” and I sunk my teeth into his arm. Yuck, you smell, I said and I pushed him away from me. He laughed. No satisfaction I got from biting him either, since he does a lot of arm exercises and has more muscle than flesh.
My teenage sister I look at her and stories began forming in my head. She’s so irritating! If only her boyfriend knew she was like this he wouldn’t even want to be with her. The stories went on some more. What if the guy appeared smart and handsome on the outside but after marriage it turned out he didn’t have the habit of flushing after toilet use? Yuck! I don’t ever want to get married.
I went online and just mindlessly scrolling and I found an advertisement for lipsticks. You don’t need new lipsticks, Fifi, I told myself as I went on to check out their page anyway. Long story short: I bought them.
“My body hurts,” I cried to my siblings. “Please give me a massage!”
“You’re like this every month. How come Kurnia isn’t?” my baby brother asked.
“Kurnia gets violent and angry and she cries! I don’t do that only body hurts!” I defended myself.
“You think we didn’t notice? You’ve been angry the whole week,” Kurnia replied.
Huh? I have? I laughed. Oh, really! I have been letting this PMS control me and I didn’t even notice it?
I daresay it’s only this month that anger followed.
Otherwise usually only my whole body is in pain.
Later that night, after writing down the first draft of my book I went online again. This time to watch Instagram Stories. I’ll let you know that I don’t watch it that much because I feel that the people I follow lack storytelling skills. I don’t understand what I’m supposed to get from watching a Boomerang or looking at your pictures. TELL ME A STORY. So the story I came across was a friend posting about how an insurance agent knew about her age and marriage status (single), and wished for my friend to find a suitable candidate/partner soon.
That somehow turned on the switch to my half-heated wok filled with oil. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO CONCERNED ABOUT WHETHER WE ARE MARRIED AND WHETHER WE WANT TO FIND A HUSBAND OR NOT. WHY CAN’T YOU WISH ME SUCCESS IN MY CAREER INSTEAD. AM I LESS OF A WOMAN IF I AM NOT MARRIED AND IF I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN.
I replied to my friend and she said “You seem to get triggered easily these days.”
And that turned on the light bulb in me.
Hey? She noticed it too? My siblings just told me this about half an hour ago! And it’s happening again?
I somehow became “me” again and was able to regain my sense of balance. What happened? I’ve actually trained myself to listen to what I’m saying, not get into the stories my mind made up (because they’re not true) and be an observer instead of a participant. And so far I’m doing okay, until my progesterone levels go up and my estrogen goes down, these fluctuations affecting my otherwise very steady moods.
But could I blame it all to that? What about those depressed due to a chemical imbalance in their brains? Is it similar to what I’m feeling?
It might be. But I was able to quickly get out of feeling crappy because I understand that my body is just doing its job. It’s not forcing some positivity or goodness. It’s this understanding that my thoughts will always try to make up funny creative stories and my understanding that they are not always true. Understanding this makes many things I think of funny. I should be a writer.
My trigger word happens to be marriage. I don’t know (I lied, of course I know) if I’ve witnessed bad marriages in my life or if I am not inspired to get married due to my limited observations about marriage, but it seems like if I’m in this zone of PMS and you mention “marriage” to me, it somehow will raise my mercury thermometer level to maximum and I will pop.
After this realisation that I’m just going through PMS and whatever’s happening is just a result of biology, I was okay. I understand that my mind is more powerful, I know that feeling this way does not make me a worse person than the other, I know that everybody goes through ups and downs in their states of mind. It’s nothing to punish others about.
Later I randomly scrolled someone’s wedding pictures (I HATE WEDDING PICTURES) and felt calm about it. Alhamdullilah, good for her, I thought. See, it’s nothing personal.
When we understand that people sometimes forget that they are thinking and that they are overthinking, you may forgive them for acting a certain way. We are thinkers, and we get too caught up in them. What we need is an understanding that people tend to forget.
We are all on a bicycle.
Some more advanced cyclists than others. When you first learn of course you’d fall and wobble and fall and wobble. Then you get up. When you’re more of a pro in cycling you might miss the tree in front of you but you know you’ll have no problem getting back up and cycle again. An experience of hitting the tree cannot cause you to want to stay on the ground forever. That is how our mind is. We are learning to get this balance, and once you have this balance it is possible to fall, but what’s important is you get back up.
So to my family and my friend Dea, thank you for reminding me and understanding that it’s just PMS. Knowing that it’s just PMS and understanding how it works makes me okay.
I guess education on how the mind works, biology, and peer-to-peer family understanding (and support) of this is important.
Thankful that my family know I’m not usually crazy and that they can shrug it off as “PMS”.
I still want to wear something nice and go out and have ice-cream AND oreo cheesecake.
(but I just bought lipstickS so nope)