One of the most disturbing things I’ve seen on the internet a few months or weeks ago was a boy on top of a girl, and the next video the girl on her knees while doing something to the same boy who was then lying down.
While I was fifteen at a chalet party, we all had gathered and the boys turned on some adult video on someone’s laptop. It looked painful, and I was more concerned over being caught because they were using MY mobile data. I walked out of the room to hang out with the others about one or two minutes after the video, and didn’t care much about it anymore. When I was 10 I had accidentally clicked on a bait that downloaded lots of nude pictures into my computer. My dad was about to have lunch when I told him about it and he got up to have them deleted. Before that I had come across the profile of a girl from Singapore named “Amirah” who also posed in her birthday suit and I told my mom about it. After that I didn’t really care anymore.
But this time it was different.
The ones I saw when I was younger were professionals, or adults knowing what they’re doing.
This time, they weren’t. They weren’t even aware someone was videoing them at the playground. They were in their own world, here in Johor.
A boy in a school PE t-shirt and long pants.
A girl in her tudung instant, long-sleeves t-shirt and long pants.
Her body isn’t even developed yet so she must not be more than 13.
His body was still the skinny budak body. His muscles and bones weren’t developed yet either. Must not be more than 14.
I’m imagining the girl saying “Mom, I’m going out for a while to meet my friends.”
And the boy too, probably saying “I’m going to the shop do you need anything?”
Yet they ended up meeting each other to do something else.
I know it’s common, and I know it’s not new.
I had a friend who confessed something to me, and when they broke up, she hid a layer of depression underneath her smile and our friendship wasn’t the same anymore. That time I wasn’t aware of it. I had thought it was about me doing something wrong.
We went our own ways then. I moved to another country and pursued this thing called “Love, Peace, and Mercy” while my friend continued giving me one-worded replies. At first it hurt, but the more I see it, the more it becomes clear that it’s nothing personal.
For a while I wanted to find out why people are broken. How a happy person, with “somebody who makes me happy” could suddenly become somebody else.
And I think this is one of them.
It’s not love, kids.
Love doesn’t hurt at all.
What you’re experiencing is a natural human desire.
This human desire becomes something that eats you up when you forgot it’s a desire. And like all desires, they need to go through proper channels.
If I desired wealth, I could just rob a bank or start taking people’s money. The proper channel to achieving that desire would be through learning and experience.
If I desired to be slim, I could just swallow a pill. But the proper channel would be diet, exercise and discipline.
If I desired peace, I could just shut off everybody and never resurface. But the proper channel would be finding peace within.
So you see, there are shortcuts to achieving desire but the outcome affects you more.
If you desired attention and physical love, what is the proper channel?
If you’re still reading this and wondering my point of view:
To me, they’re all just thoughts in the moment. Like any thought in the moment, they are here in this moment. As long as I don’t think too much about it, they will go away.
The thoughts will resurface, but they don’t carry any weight unless I put weight to it. Thinking adds weight to a thought and makes it seem important.
I’m not worried about most things because I know whatever’s meant to be for me are just waiting for me. And every step I’m taking now is preparing me to receive them properly.
I remain open, and I also remain open to being conscious of thought desires vs insight.