Over the past few days and months people have come up to me to ask me the same question: How do you feel okay all the time? The question came from people who knew me from when I was a crazy teenager, to when I was figuring myself out, to someone who just knew me and got to spend two weeks in a room with me, to random internet people, and…my own mother.
Sometimes when the question is asked to me in my face I just shrugged and say “I just don’t feel anything about it”, but usually when it’s asked in an email or chat I will explain. This week however I had been busier than usual that when I received two questions from two different people about the same topic, I figured I should sit down and write about it. I hope that more people would be able to benefit from my peacefulness (because my name is after all Salamah).
Feelings are intangible and with my known-wild imagination, I tend to think of them as things we store in a glass bottle that is sealed with a cork. Sometimes you throw the bottle into the sea, thinking you’ve forgotten about it, then it returns back to shore ten years later. The shore is you. The bottle that returned are feelings you denied. You are now the littered beach all over again.
But why are we so ashamed to admit about how we feel that we constantly want to deny them?
Ten years ago when I had a crush on the most handsome guy I knew I blogged about him, in the security of knowing that he doesn’t read my posts. Who knew it’s only ten years later that I’d like another real person, and be blogging about him too, knowing he doesn’t care about me enough to read my posts? Ha ha ha.
I’m a writer. I think of everything in exaggerations and poetic sense.
Let’s call the current crush W and the previous crush F.
A few days ago I presented myself with the question: Would I be happy if W ended up with someone else?
A few days ago someone asked if I could help her create an email account and help her with her resume. She’s only completed high school (the same as me, then) and comes from a not-so-easy financial background. I know she currently works at a factory with miserly pay (USD 0.70 per hour) and I applaud her for taking the initiative to do something new. I like her. Very hardworking and caring, though I’ve seen how others took advantage of her kindness. I want her to be my sister in-law, but my brother wants someone to discuss philosophy with.
So we talked over the internet as I guide her on how to create an email. To my surprise basic things such as where to type the domain name she didn’t know. She was afraid to log out of the current email account, et cetera. Very basic things that are at the tip of my fingers, she didn’t know them. I was kind of mindblown. Then I realised it was because she didn’t understand English, making everything on the internet difficult for her. She needs an English teacher.
I have a friend who’s an English teacher. He doesn’t seem to look for feisty girls. I’ve observed that the girls he’s liked are the sweet, agreeable kinds.