Somehow my internet is acting up, so I’m taking the opportunity to update my blog.
I’ve decided that my site is going to be more on my “personal” updates. Whatever that means.
I feel everything about my life is more mapped out now as more and more things make sense. It’s still very slow, but I appreciate the moments I’m able to slowly sip and breathe life.
Time and time again I see how giving up is always a great thing to do because giving up doesn’t mean THE END. It means leaving all the dusty old collected thinking I have about something and allowing room for new thoughts to come in.
A few weeks ago I was sort of blocked in “ideas” and I just had no idea what I was to do with a project I’m working on Insight Waves. My mind was just blocked with DO DO DO DO DO and found myself sort of frustrated from the fact that I didn’t know what to DO. A lady from a faculty of the University of Minnesota contacted me and told me she was interested in what I wanted to do.
Why do you think “tolerance” or “tolerate” is a good word? I think when you tolerate, you take a ball of salt and you hold it. One day when you fall, wounded, that salt’s going to hurt you.
“Can’t you see what I’ve done all these years?! All these while I’ve been putting up with this and this is how you repay me!!!”
Understanding, on the other hand, gets the salt dissolved. When a person does something, you understand and it goes away. You won’t be holding any balls of grudge.
Have you noticed how you might be judgemental about the mother when you see a child crying non-stop, you try to tolerate the crying but inside you still plays a story about how irresponsible or stupid the mother is. But when you open up to understanding that something might have happened to them last night, or that she just lost ten thousand bucks worth of Bitcoin, the salt dissolves and a whole new feeling changes inside of you. You understand that no mother (in her right mind) would want a child to keep crying in public. Something must’ve happened that occupied her mind with something else. You’d start feeling empathetic towards her.
I was just about to turn off the laptop and lie in bed and blink at the ceiling. I know I’m not turning the air-conditioning on that’s why I’ve already opened the windows. Don’t know about lighting the aroma candle or not. It smells lovely.
But I decided to write down about this strange old feeling that I’ve been facing for a few days now. It’s called procrastination. Where you have many things to do but you don’t want to do it. I don’t know why. Is it because I have a trip coming up soon so my head is there already? This work is important to me yet why am I not getting anything done? It’s strange, isn’t it? I’m not a procrastinator, I know. I get my work done when it’s supposed to and I get them done with pride.
SIGH. I don’t know. It’s like I’m stuck with lack of information. And it’s not that I lack information, somehow fear also accompanies it, not being good enough, etc. It happens to me too. As confident and “strong” people say that I am, I am only human with these thoughts. But that’s okay. I know that I’m not going to stay with this feeling forever. I don’t have to do anything, I think.
All these while I get nothing done because I’m trying to get something done. Wow what paradox is this? That when you fill your thinking with too much things, nothing new comes in. Oh well.
There are so many things I want to write about on this blog but since I’m not making it a priority, it’s not getting done. Currently I have so many things to do. That’s why I tell people: if you’re free now, soak up all the free time. Someday you’re not going to be free and you’re going to wish you had some free time. Just let life flow. If you’re not doing anything, don’t be worried. If you have too much stuff going for you, slow down. The concept of time is something we made up; some people could get a tedious task done in 30 minutes, sitting with someone you dislike for 5 minutes feels like 30 hours, admiring a crush from afar for 30 minutes felt like 30 seconds. We made time up.
I might be writing a new book too. I MIGHT. Bookstores want it thicker. My publisher wants it thicker. But like I said, I don’t like to read books that go round and round and round. I was also told A Nobody’s Observations is going to be in its third printing so alhamdullilah. I haven’t seen my book in person at a bookstore by the way, since it’s only available in KL. Last week while I was in KL I visited a bookstore to see my book. I was told they’re out of stocks everywhere. I can’t believe it! I even asked my publishers to confirm and they said yes. Weird right?
This became longer than what I intended it to be. All the best in everything you do.
I want to write, but I just can’t. I will try to wring my brain for words but nothing is coming out. No stories to tell. I’ve tried recalling stories from the past but ….nothing seems interesting for now. I look around and meet people but I can’t write anything about them. No poetic excitement. No poetic heartbreak. I’ve been busy. Busy is not good to me, but I hope this business will convert to productivity.
And diary, my life might change in the coming months. I’m excited, optimistic, looking forward to that new life, but as I said, it’s not poetic. And that life might consume my …creative writing life. But I hope not. I hope that the new experiences will turn on a switch somewhere in my brain or something. I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.
I hope I will continue to meet new people who will teach me something new. Recently I have, though, but I don’t feel anything enough to write about them. Maybe they’re boring to me. Maybe I need to meet someone who’s so different it sparks something in me. Or maybe I need to lower my standards and see the life in everyone. Or maybe it’s me who’s dead.
Sometimes I feel needy. I want to be told I’m beautiful. That I’m perfect “just the way you are”. To have a song dedicated to me. To have poems written for. To be assured I am a good writer. To being comforted that people do like reading my things.
I have been feeling a little been overwhelmed these days. I want to perform, I want to do well. I want to give my very best. And then I wonder if I could do it at all. This is where I’m wrong, that thinking too much about the unknown future causes anxiety and stress. Do my best and leave the rest to The Universe.
Bought The Diary of Anne Frank. I think the first time I read it was in secondary school. That’s why I feel inspired to write this in a “Dear diary” form. She’s so wise for her age. I haven’t finished the book, halfway through it. Who’s got the time. I’m going to keep this quick, because I need to continue with my paperwork.